I just don't understand, but it's fine.

To the boy I once loved,

So I found myself thinking about you today. There are a million things I want to say to you, a thousand questions I still have that you left unanswered. 

There's a part of me that yearns to know how you're doing without me considering you used to tell me you could never stand to lose me. Part of me wants to know how your sisters and parents are, if your brother is doing alright and if things with your buddy that moved in with you are working out as planned. Part of me wants to ask about your dogs and if that little mare of yours ever turned out like you had hoped. Part of me wants to know if you're still working your ass off at that job you despise because although I have come to question a lot of things about you, your work ethic will never be one of them.

But then there's this other part of me; this other part that can't stand you, that doesn't want to know all the answers to the questions I just listed above, because that would be admitting that I still care about a person that doesn't care about me. And quite frankly that's a hard one to swallow. The man I loved so dearly, and made me believe he loved me too, doesn't care about me. But hey, just like you told me, "You just don't understand. But that's fine." Because you know what, you were right, I don't understand. I don't understand why you would tell me you love me, why you promised to always be there for me, why you would say all the sweet things you did just to bail on me? I don't understand why you would claim to be such an honest gentleman just to turn around and tell me that a single apology was "all I owe you" and "I don't have to give you any explanations." Because an "I love you" on a Wednesday to a "You won't hear from me again, mark my words." on  that Saturday apparently shouldn't come with questions and doesn't deserve an explanation. {To be read with intense sarcasm. Go ahead, read it again in the most sarcastic tone possible. Okay, carry on.} But ya know what, I have to admit, you were right again, it is fine. I'm fine. I've put up walls, shut back down, made my heart nearly impossible to reach for others that actually deserve a chance at it, but I'm fine. Although my heart is hard to reach at the moment, I'm picking up the pieces and working on letting someone else have a chance at holding it, at making it full, and making it flutter at the thought of their name, when the time is right. I'm pursuing my career full throttle, I want to make a name for myself. But more importantly, I'm pursuing my relationship with the Lord. I thought for sure, beyond a shade of doubt that you were the one. But it turns out you were just one, one I once loved, one that crushed my heart, one that made me question my self worth, but one that taught me. You taught me that my self worth is not measured by some boy too scared to commit, is not measured by some some boy too reckless to to take responsibility, is not measured by some boy too selfish to care, but that it is measured by a perfect man, who was more than merely a man, who thought I was to die for on a cross 2,000+ years ago. 

So you were right, I don't understand and I probably never will, but it is fine. Because someday there will be a man who pushes me to achieve my goals, a man who leads me closer to Christ, a man who keeps me humble, a man who works beside me, a man who lives a joyful life, a man who never makes me question my self worth, and a man who will never stop loving me. 

And for you, I wish you nothing but the best. I wish that you find an amazing woman that can give you the life you always dreamt of, a life I couldn't give you. I know you'll most likely never read this, but if you do just know that I meant every word I have ever said to you, even the last part of this letter wishing you the best. Thanks for reading, I just had to get it off my chest. 

Sincerely,
The One That Got Away

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