Getting Back to Me

    Sometimes life gets a little dark and dim. Sometimes it feels like everything is crashing down around you and despite your often frantic efforts, nothing seems to stop the rocks from falling, blocking out what little glimmering, soft light of hope you were hanging on to. Finances are stressful, people are disappointing, and life gets messy. I don't know about you, but I tend to try to deal with everything myself, which eventually absolutely wears me out and hardens my normally loving and giving heart.

    The Lord says in Proverbs 4:23, "Above all else, guard your heart for everything you do flows from it." I have gone through periods where I left my heart unguarded, wide open, and let people in that I probably should have kept a distance from and I have also gone through periods where I have shut absolutely everyone out and not allowed people in to my heart that I should have. I have made mistakes, I will admit that without hesitation.{I am not perfect but thankfully I don't have to be. See, Romans 3:23-24.} I have hurt people and I hate that, because I have been hurt too and that is a pain I never want to cause anyone else. Over the past few years, I have began to really live life and have began to change, grow and develop as a person, just as everyone else. We all grow and develop and reach different stages of our lives at different times. But I believe there is a difference between changing the person/type of person you are and growing and developing as a person. For a while, I felt like I lost myself, that I had changed, that I hardly knew this person I had become and that I didn't like it. I let other people dictate my feelings and my attitude and how I saw life, which really threw me for a loop. Now, I don't know if anyone else saw this or noticed but I know I sure did, and something had to be done. I never doubted the Lord's existence, but I began to question Him and His plan for me more and more, I began to try to do things completely on my own, which God let me do for a while and then told me to knock it off...I'm pretty sure I gave him a good laugh.

    I just wasn't the person I wanted to be, the person I was raised to be. Now during this time period, I wasn't strung out on drugs or spending my free time in jail (don't worry Mom and Dad, never been and don't ever plan to) but I was more or less just lukewarm, stagnant, and dissatisfied. I felt like nothing I did made me happy anymore. That's when I'm pretty sure God smacked me upside the head (most likely with a 2x4 considering my hard-headed nature...thanks Mom and Dad) and reminded me of something I had seemed to have forgotten: I don't have to do everything on my own. I have an amazing, merciful God that has EVERYTHING under control. I also have my friends that good Lord sent me. Goodness knows I'd be an even bigger mess without them.

    Getting back to the real me wasn't this big ordeal that rocked my world. It was honestly just taking time out of my day to spend with myself. I did (and still do) a lot of driving, mainly out of town down long back roads. My favorite time of the day is the 10ish minutes before the sun rises; where the air is still, when the silence is only disturbed by the occasional chirping bird or the sound of wheat blowing in the wind. Although it meant a little less sleep in the morning, getting up to enjoy that peace and quiet and watch the sun rise, there isn't a time where I feel more at peace or closer to God then in those few moments. I also love driving down back roads in the evenings listening to country (mostly 90s) and stopping to watch the sunset. There is something spectacular about every sunset, no matter how colorful or simple, just watching it go down is so refreshing. Especially out here in Texas, man are these big skies gorgeous! I took time to allow God to remind me of the woman He has called me to be, to remind me of His plan for my life, and that no matter what He will always love me. Time for myself meant regaining the ability to believe in myself, and trust that God would give me the strength to live the life He has called me to live. {Philippians 4:12-13 Make sure to read verse 12!} This time served as a reminder, that because I am a child of God, and he is my Savior, I have been remade. There is no mistake too big for the Lord's mercy and grace. 

Listen to "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North

So if you're going through a tough time, where it seems like you can't ever get anything right, take a little time to yourself. Drive down back roads with your windows down and the radio on. Spend time watching movies and eating pizza in bed on a Saturday night. Cook dinner with your friends. Read your Bible. Hug your dogs. People will disappoint you, some will walk in and out of your life taking pieces of your heart with them every time they go, you'll care too much for some (always my problem) that may never return the love you've shown them, you'll be used, you'll be broke and broken, but you'll never not be loved. God will always love you. You are enough for Him. No matter your situation, no matter the disaster it feels your world has turned into, I promise, if you give it to God, he will bring you through it. 

Take some time to yourself if you feel like you're falling out of touch with the person you are or want to be. And trust in the Lord, He will never let you go. 

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation. Whether well fed or hungry, whether in plenty or in want. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:12-13